In My Thoughts
Aberration | Lena Ireneicht |
“In My Thoughts” by Nina Pollak
Absence
years without seeing your face
yet you still seem to occupy space
in my mind, in my thoughts, in my dreams
a two dimensional woman in photos that surround the walls of my home
yet where is this woman?
she hasn’t seen how I’ve grown
she has missed birthdays and graduations and games and shows
yet she is someone who never seems to go
from my mind, my thoughts, my dreams
she lives with so much pain inside of me
a ghost of a person I struggle to keep alive
the more space you take up, the more I seem to hide
from those who actually care, who show it every single day
and yet there is no replacing a mother in any possible way
Masks
Don’t we all wear masks?
a sheet of glass that reflects whatever anyone else wants us to be
a painted on smile for others to see
long before the pandemic started
long before restrictions that said we had to be
don't we all wear masks?
afraid to let anyone below the surface level of the cloth
what if someone sees
vulnerability and pain and rawness
something other than strength
what happens then?
we always covered up parts of ourselves
afraid to reveal what’s behind
masks conceal, they hide
but what happens when people notice where the makeup ends and the face begins
what happens when they see that my mask is the fakest part of me
when my ears lose grip of the ties
what happens when my mask falls,
becomes transparent
Is that where true courage lies?
Red and Blue
you’re in all my pieces
you stay in my mind
there’s no way to shut you out
at least not one I can find
but would that be easier
would I have less doubt?
you never seem to follow a steady route
leaving me to wonder when you are going to message, or call, or write
you misjudge each turn
expecting me to anticipate the color of the light
but what about my tears
the overflowing pool since you disappeared
leaving me without a guide
to teach or give advice
and yet I still seem to pay the price
for your decisions, your actions, your mistakes
you said all you wanted was me
but how can you have failed at the one thing you wanted to be
Cool
When did it become cool to be aloof
when did we stop caring
or at least stop showing that we do
when did indifference become power
and short replies become strength
when did big hearts become vulnerable
never allowed to have full reign
tamed by the mind
that reminds us to be cool, to be aloof, to be quiet
to not let ourselves be fooled
into love, into pain, into loss
but then i wonder
what is scarier,
pain from losing
or never loving at all?
don’t we have to let ourselves feel
in order to gain anything somewhat real
Mommy
You no longer seem familiar to me
a stranger who I feel should be the roots of my tree
but were you ever really there
to rely on, to trust, to ask for help
Mommy, how do I grow up to be someone I barely know?
why do I have to watch every show
with girls with mommies they get to see, with girls with mommies they want to be
you left me with no shoes to fill, to grow into, to explore
you left me to figure this out for myself and cry alone on my floor
I don’t get to see you
yet you’re still at my core
all I wanted was for you to be so much more
The Crash
The light is yellow
about to turn red
you decided to turn
we could have been dead
flashing sirens
they called the police
lucky for you
a drug test wasn’t released
there you were sitting on the curb
everyone else pretty disturbed
because next to you was a small child
providing you comfort, providing you care
she had to call for help
with you curled up in a ball
she had to talk to the officers
explain to them everything you couldn’t recall
she was the adult
at the mere age of 10
she was lifting you up
around all those other men
all they could do was stare
confused, unaware
that this was her life with you as her mom
that this was the tune to each one of your songs
you should have been telling her that it would be okay
no not you
I always cleaned up your mess at the end of the day
