Boyfriend

"Split" by Simon Matulef

“Boyfriend” by Alexander Amaya

The moment I grew up, a hot summer afternoon, the sun beamed through his curtains, the overpowering smell of his cologne filled the room. His warm sheets and our sweaty palms entwined with each other. I was terrified. Questioning my happiness at the time, guessing between what was right and wrong? The air felt so damp. Am I overthinking it? I was zoning in and out, but no, this was my first love. I couldn't be happy with someone else. He was the one.

His fingers flowed through my hair as the wind blew between the grass on his lawn. I hugged him; he felt so welcoming to me; he felt so genuine. I was then scared of change. I had hatred for myself for being me. Just the thought. I wanted to run, but this was an unknown kind of love, I felt as if I had opened another chapter in my life. I could be me and that it wouldn’t matter, that being me was perfectly fine. I felt love, not for another but myself. This was natural. 

I couldn't help myself but to cling to him tighter, embracing that anything could come didn't matter as long as I was happy. It felt like being eaten alive. We were worlds away but yet in the same bed. My life had unfolded and became a full circle. His steaming scorching breath was in my anxious face. There was no backing out. My innocence was now gone, I was fully aware of what people would think of me, but I stopped giving a damn at that moment.

None of that mattered with him, but the harsh reality came crashing down. School started and we slowly but surely grew apart. I would try to hold his hand or eat lunch with him, but he turned me away. Was I not good enough? This was so complicated, I couldn’t understand, what did he want or need? How can this be love? This wasn’t real. Why can’t he just hold my goddamn hand? Why does it hurt to love someone? Is it me? Do you not want a boyfriend*?

I saw him with others, talking so nonchalantly as if he wasn’t seeing anyone at the moment. I just thought it was just a friendship and reluctantly let it slide by. It took me no time to find out he stopped loving me and had fallen in love again. The faces and shapes around me became dull and blurred. This was the moment I grew up. When I realized that in real life there is no such magical thing as a happy ending.