How to be Human

Electrocution | Elisabeth Schmeissner | Pencil

How to be Human  by Elliott Wagner-Smith

1. To be a person you have to be able to get hurt, you have to be able to fall down even if you can’t get back up for a while. Sometimes you’ll bleed and other times you’ll bruise, and in a rare moment of peace you’ll be fine, but it will all happen to you sooner or later. Expect it. Embrace it. Prepare for it if you must. Don’t look for it coming, don’t watch as the bullies follow you out to the playground. Simply live with the knowledge that eventually you’ll fall. Please, do not be afraid of the pain. Do not fear the falling. You have to fall sometimes to remember you can and that you can stand up again. The worst falls are accompanied by insults and harsh words. These are hard to pick yourself up from. The first time I fell like this I stayed down for a long while. The words make the ground feel harder, I can promise you that, but it is much easier when someone comes along and reaches their hand out. 

2. You are weak. You are a weak person and you need help sometimes because you are weak. But everyone is weak, secretly, and it’s okay to show some people that you are weak. You can show your best friend that you are weak, she already knows and she’s okay with it. So tell her that you are weak and grow stronger from that. Support her. You must be there for others to be human. Don’t open up to just anyone, be selectively vulnerable. But never keep everything too close to the chest, you need to let it out sometimes. I opened up to Paige because I knew I could trust her. She was comfortable. But I don’t know you and I can’t talk about this anymore. 

3. Get past Elementary school. It may seem like the easiest years, but people are the meanest here. There are no real consequences. The bullies learn what is and isn’t okay. They get stronger and faster and they crave blood. They will want to hurt me. You. They will want to hurt you. Paige never did. 

4. The hardest things to throw away are those meant for four people. It’s especially hard when you now only have 3. You will never stop thinking about the fourth and how she’s gone now. Maybe she’ll come back. Paige never did. 

5. Middle school will be the worst three years of your life, I promise. You'll need someone to hold onto. They have grown stronger with the help of Elementary school, but there are consequences now. You have to make this one count. You’re new, easy pickings. You need at least one solid friend to protect you. Eating lunch in the bathrooms puts a target on your back. She’s so nice and bubbly that you don’t even have to approach her. She comes right up to you after English and says I like your glasses and you’re safe now. God bless her. 

6. Eighth grade brings new challenges, but she will be there. Hold each other up. To be human you need to put someone else’s needs in front of your own. You also need to learn how to manage many spinning plates. Some of these plates are rubber and some are glass, do not let the glass plates fall. After a full year in this new place you will settle, you will walk to her house everyday or she will walk to yours. You must dance. You must play music. All fourteen year olds do. Maybe high school will be better. 

7. By the time you’re sixteen you’ll pretty much know nothing. You probably knew more when you were ten than you do now. But you have her by your side, your best friend, your Paige. No matter how uncertain things may seem she is always there. She could never leave you, she doesn’t want to. You have dinner at her house and walk home. You talk to her on the phone all night, twisting your finger in the cord. She’s so much fun to play board games with. Your group of four will get together and play monopoly for hours and fight, then go get milkshakes to make up with each other. Paige wins eventually. 

8. You fall in love. To be a human you must love, and you have fallen. You think about her all the time. Every moment not spent with her is a moment wasted. And the feeling you get from touching her is electric, just the brush of your hands touching makes your heart flutter. Your first summer romance. 

9. The news is always helpful. But something bad is happening and no one knows why. Girls are going missing. Young girls, some of them you kinda knew. Linda lived on the next block over. Lives. She’ll be back, most people think she ran away. It’s a safe town mom tells dad, these girls are just unhappy. She’ll be okay. 

10. New Years parties are a part of living. It’s a new decade: 1980. In 20 years there will be flying cars probably. But for now you have to get drunk off cheap wine coolers and lukewarm beer. Paige is having fun. It’s a party, dance. She cranks the music up. I love this song she shouts over “Bad Case of Loving You” by Robert Palmer. Doctor Doctor you scream together, jumping up and down, give me the news! I’ve got a bad case 

11. You haven’t seen her in a while. Sherry and Micheal haven’t heard from her either. It’s only been a few days, maybe she’s sick. But even still she should have called. When you call no one picks up. The cars aren’t in the driveway most of the time and when they are no one answers the door. Eventually her mother calls, Debbie, have you seen Paige? Have you heard anything? And your heart sinks.

12. Loneliness is a terrible thing. You need to be around other people to be healthy. If you want to be a human you need to leave the house sometimes. 

13. Still no word from anyone, though you call her mom every day. She was on the news along with Linda and Mary and Nancy. All four of them, running away within five months of each other? It just doesn’t sit right. She wouldn’t just leave like that. You’re back to eating in the bathroom. You could sit with Sherry and Micheal but it would just remind you of her. So you wait for her to reappear. 

14. Her mom calls you. They found her car. 

15. It’s already March and 1980 isn’t too different from 1979 except for her absence. You both talked about trying out for Lacrosse and so you try out for her instead of with her. Maybe it’s time to make new friends. Playing helps a bit. You can’t think while you run at least. Where is she? Why won’t she call? 

16. Her mom calls you. They found a body in the river. 

17. It’s finally time to throw out Monopoly. No one has played it in a year. Plus, you’re a senior. There’s no sense in keeping it. You probably couldn’t play it if you tried. She kept the rule book from the last time you all played. In your dreams, you play with her, Micheal, and Sherry. But only there. It seems so real. You can touch her and hug her. Please come back, you whisper to her, please. 

18. The water didn’t treat her well. She isn’t in great shape. But she’s lying down on that metal table and she almost looks ok. She’s paler than you remember and she’s starting to fall apart. But it’s her. She has that same mole right above her left eyebrow and the scar on her right palm. She has the secret tattoo that matches your own on the inside of her wrist. She finally came home. 

19. Be selectively vulnerable. Do not open up just because you can. Choose your friends carefully. Don’t accept rides from strangers. Don’t come into someone’s house to use their phone. Don’t pull over just because you’re signaled, wait till there are people. Always fight back. 

20. Her headstone doesn’t have an exact death date, it simply says 1980. But she is laid next to her grandparents. She is asleep now and will see me soon. Flowers will always cover her grave. 

21. If you want to be a human you have to learn how to survive. Misery is the roadblock few can overcome. Yet you must. I am not weak like I thought. I am strong and I can walk the world without her.