Student Achieves Nirvana By Mastering All IB Learner Traits

Untitled | Ryan Carr

Student Achieves Nirvana By Mastering All IB Learner Traits by Dale Bell (Snitch staff)

The second floor of the BCC F-Wing shook with power today when an IB Student, after weeks of reflection, came to a complete understanding of all of the IB Learner traits. Sources from inside the 4th period ToK class described student Raymond Franzen as intently studying the IB website until sometime around the middle of the class when he slumped back in his chair serenely while muttering, “I’ve done it.”

The teacher, Mrs. Boyce, asked whether Franzen would like to share what he was saying with the class. Franzen nodded, but after standing, students noticed that he had begun to glow, and a strange humming sound filled the classroom.

As the glowing intensified, Franzen began to levitate a foot above the floor and spoke with a voice that sources say “shook the earth and heavens,” “inspired tears through sheer understanding,” and “made the Buddha sound like an idiot.”

“My friends,” sources have Franzen saying, “I must leave as I discovered the true meaning. I have become the ultimate IB learner. I am an inquirer, a thinker, a risk taker, open minded, balanced, reflective, a communicator, knowledgeable, caring, and principled. I can see now; everything is so clear; goodbye my friends.”

Sources disagree on what happened next. Some say the glow intensified until it shone with “the light of infinite suns” which absorbed Franzen. Other sources say several extra arms and a third eye sprouted from Franzen as he began to spin so quickly that it broke the sound barrier, creating a sonic boom which shattered windows miles away.

The only remnant of Franzen after his ascension to the higher IB realm was his chromebook, with his final reflection where he imparted the answers to all of life's great questions. By press time Mrs. Boyce had given his reflection a D, adding the comment, “Interesting idea, but stick to the rubric.”