Defined by Our Definitions

Untitled | Aitana Gaudenzi | Collage

Defined by Our Definitions by Katherine Jones and Walter Griner

All of the names in this article have been changed.

“Since eighth grade to now, I have never suffered any dramatic negative emotions,” Ryan says. 

His tone is proud, bragging to his classmates. Sadie is one of them. 

“I don’t get sad to the point where I need to push that onto other people,” Ryan continues. 

 “..push that onto other people..” Those words ring in Sadie’s head throughout the day. She thought of times she had been stressed or upset, and talking to her friend made all the difference. She had never felt her emotions as a burden. 

Ryan's claimed emotional resilience could be authentic, yet there's another perspective to consider: toxic masculinity. 

Toxic masculinity encompasses societal norms that dictate men should suppress their emotions, reinforcing a facade of toughness. Sadie wonders if Ryan's pride in not burdening others with his feelings might be rooted in these harmful stereotypes. 

Let’s Set the Scene:

Toxic masculinity, a term that has gained significant prominence, particularly in the past decade, refers to a set of cultural norms and expectations that impose rigid and harmful ideals of masculinity on men. 

Its popularity surged as society became increasingly aware of the detrimental effects of these expectations on individuals and relationships, with a notable uptick in discussions around the 2010s. The term gained traction in academic and activist circles, sparking conversations about the pressures placed on men to conform to traditional notions of toughness, emotional suppression, and dominance. 

However, this increased visibility has also led to defensive reactions among some men who feel threatened or misunderstood. The fear of being labeled as insufficiently masculine or the concern that acknowledging vulnerability might undermine their identity as men can foster resistance against discussions about toxic masculinity. 

Ignorance Is Bliss 

Although the term toxic masculinity is used and exchanged by many in today's day and age, some males feel they have yet to feel an impact. Tommy, a Bethesda- Chevy Chase senior says, “I know that it exists, but I don't feel like it affects me.” This sentiment is echoed by John, who stated, “I don't see it on a daily basis.” 

Tommy and John’s denial of the influence of toxic masculinity might be indicative of its pervasive nature among males. Senior Elizabeth, however, argues that this denial goes beyond mere surface acknowledgment, “If someone were suffering from toxic masculinity, they wouldn't really come into like a setting like this, and open their heart up, right? That's part of toxic masculinity: the idea that showing emotion is feminine, and admitting to a weakness is feminine, not masculine.” 

Echo Chambers

The denial of toxic masculinity's influence contributes to a self-perpetuating cycle, creating echo chambers where men find it challenging to discuss their feelings. Sadie aptly describes this dynamic as a feedback loop: "[Men are] looking around [thinking] they're not talking about this, so I can't talk about it. And it's just constant, back and forth, creating these echo chambers of [males] not being able to talk about their feelings...it's so different for girls; it's very apparent."

Dr. Angela Beard, a clinical psychologist at the Veterans Affairs in Dallas, Texas, notes, "Men have never been taught how to identify their emotional needs and  thoughts, or how to express them." This constriction in echo chambers reinforces toxic masculinity, hindering personal growth and mental well-being.

The repercussions of these echo chambers are starkly evident in statistics. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, men die by suicide 3.90 times more often than women, with 70% of all suicides being men.

Beard offers a start to ending this cycle, “No one has ever asked them what masculinity means to them, and they’ve never asked themselves…They can get a lot of insight from this process.”

Who’s Doing the Heavy Lifting:

Elizabeth offers her definition: “Toxic masculinity is adhering to a set of binaries and constrictions or rules that limit the ways a certain type of male can act. And when I say a certain type of male, I definitely am speaking to like a guy who is into things that as a society we've deemed more masculine, so sports, flannels, and Sperrys.” 

It's important to note that not every individual who aligns with traditionally masculine interests or conforms to societal expectations of masculinity perceives these norms as limiting or harmful. However, Elizabeth appears to have characterized a substantial portion of our interviewees, yet they expressed a lack of perceived impact or influence. 

The paradox described leaves us at a crossroads: Who is suffering from the impacts of toxic masculinity if not males?

Let us go back to Ryan’s aforementioned conversation in class. 

“Do you think your lack of emotions is maybe because of toxic masculinity?” Sadie asks. 

Ryan replies, “I feel like you’re making it this big” (gestures his hands as far apart as he can) “When it’s really this big” (gestures his hands an inch apart.) 

Everyone laughs. 

Sadie feels defeated and her emotions paint a strong picture of why males don’t feel influenced negatively by toxic masculinity, or at all. Often women are put down at the expense of their male counterparts, whether in professional, academic, or personal relationships. Ultimately, women are left shouldering the burden of toxic masculinity, while men remain unaffected.

Define or Be Defined

In 1973 Hungarian-American Psychiatrist, Dr. Thomas Szasz, published “The Second Sin.” His thesis was that the confusion of language has produced much of the inhumanity, intolerance, and outright stupidity that affect us today. Szasz writes, “In the animal kingdom the rule is: ‘Eat or be eaten’ In the human kingdom, ‘Define or be defined’…Social roles teach us a myriad of social definitions. Those who control definitions thrive. Those who let others control definitions, serve.” 

In the realm of toxic masculinity, the definitions offered by males and females diverge significantly. While males acknowledge a form of toxicity, they appear to be immune to its effects.  

The reluctance or difficulty in carefully examining and reshaping the idea of masculinity could be a reason why harmful behaviors associated with toxic masculinity continue to be accepted.

Tommy defines toxic masculinity as, “A..you know..a stereotype that males like, are like…I guess, like, just more like, they think they’re more masculine.” 

When asked how to define masculinity he said, “Well, I mean…yeah, being a guy…I don’t really know what you mean.”

The reluctance or difficulty in carefully examining and reshaping the idea of masculinity could be a reason why harmful behaviors associated with toxic masculinity continue to be accepted.

It’s important to acknowledge that the authority to shape definitions lies within each person, and collectively challenging outdated norms is key to cultivating a more wholesome and inclusive comprehension of masculinity.