Notwithstanding

Close to Peace | Josefina Eggleton | Colored pencils & pen

Notwithstanding by Clark Rager

i stand under the shower head,

at night.

but the high pressure water doesn’t wash away my sins,

like i wished it would.

i go twenty,

thirty, over the speed limit.

but it doesn’t whisk me away from my problems,

like i thought it might.

i breathe in,

i breathe out.

but the rhythm of my respiration doesn’t calm me,

like my mother told me it would.

i rage,

i scream.

but the relief is only temporary,

like how it always is.

i admit my fault,

i make amends.

but it doesn’t absolve me of my guilt,

like how everyone said it would.

i cry,

i sob.

but that dark feeling in my gut persists,

like how it always does.

i change,

i reform.

but there is no real difference than before,

like how it should have been.

i stand under the shower head,

at night.

and the warm water pours over my face,

like how it always will.